The comedy of it all. The funniest covid rules that make no sense whatsoever

How long have we been in this crazy situation now? Right. Since March. And we’ve seen it all, haven’t we? I know everybody is trying their best to keep the virus at bay, or they are just implementing what they’re told, but some rules make you wonder about people’s sanity. And I mean common sense here. I want to share some things that just made me laugh. I mean, can you imagine your reaction if we had told you during summer 2019, that we would be all be walking around like surgeons this year? Not being able to hug our grandma, being fined for going out after midnight and getting excited about a new face mask in a fancy pattern? It’s bonkers! It’s mad! We got to laugh, right, or else we’d be crying. Keep up the good spirits, folks, we’re all in this together. What’s the most ridiculous rule you have come across this year?

silly covid rules
Yeah. Kids and masks.

Disinfecting the streets

Maybe it’s a Spanish thing, but I am truly amazed by the obsession of this country to spray bleach across the asphalt. Perhaps they did this before the pandemic, but they’ve certainly ramped it up this year. And people actually want this! They send angry letters to the council to tell them they want their pavement disinfected, because god forbid; germs. I’m not sure about you guys, but I don’t generally go around licking and touching roads. And have you heard of anyone getting covid from a wheely bin? Me neither.

The 1-mile pool walk

It was August and it was HOT here in Spain. We don’t have a pool, so off we trotted with the kids down to the local communal open air swimming pool one afternoon. On arrival, they asked me for 1) my proof of appointment and 2) all our ID cards. After a 10-minute admin stint, we got in. Stop! Held at gun point! Well, thermometer gun point. All good. Shoes had to go through the sanitizer mat, hands gelled, and we entered. Phew.

Then came step two. They did a good job splitting the artificial grass up into squares with red and white tape, and made it clear to us that we had to stick to our little private patch. No problem, all good. The boys jumped in and splashed around. Oh! Child one needed the toilet. Face mask back on, and off he went. On the way back, however, there was absolutely no way he was allowed to just quickly run back to our grassy patch a few steps away from the toilet block. There were arrows to follow, señora! Poor kid had to turn right, and walk a rather long and pretty ridiculous circular route around the whole of the pool, in bathing costume, but with a face mask on, to finally arrive back at base. Because god forbid he may have passed someone on the way, in the fresh air, with a face mask on. Because that never happens in the street, right? No point at complaining. Rules are rules, especially in Spain.

silly covid rules
Super busy! Watch out, you may pass someone on your way to the toilets. Sorry, I am getting cynical. It’s a serious business.

The taped off toilet cubicles

Social distancing. An important technique to stop a virus from spreading and drilled into each one of us this year. But can anybody please explain to me how a virus could spread through the partition wall of a toilet cubicle? It truly baffles me, each time I see a queue of people waiting for a row of toilets, because every second cubicle has been closed off. Surely we’re all more at risk gathering in a narrow corridor? You tell me. We can all sit beside each other on the bus or metro without partitions, but clearly toilets are a danger zone.

silly covid rules
OK, I get the sink one. Perhaps you’d accidentally splash an infected covid drop on your neighbour, while washing your hands. Right? Oh, I don’t know.

Booking a time slot at the zoo

Sounds good, I thought! I hate crowds with a vengeance, and a dedicated time slot to avoid those sounded like a perfect solution to me. I imaged a nice, relaxing day ahead of me with the kids; wandering around in peace, watching the giraffes, the elephants, the meerkats, with very few people there. Only, they forgot to kick out visitors who had booked for the 10am slot, and so they were all still there at 2pm. So there we were, standing in a bloody queue for the gorillas. Not sure who looked more grumpy, me or those gorillas who clearly also had enough of endless hordes of visitors. Hundreds of people, being squeezed through narrow pathways to catch a glimpse of an animal, all for the price of €23 a ticket and a pretty pointless exercise of trying to limit crowds by offering time slots. I had a large glass of wine that evening. I have since learnt that the zoo got sanctioned for not taking enough care that particular bank holiday weekend. Oops, zoo.

Shoulder to shoulder on a plane

I know, I know, I didn’t have to risk it. I didn’t have to get on a plane. But not seeing my parents since last winter was becoming too painful, so I flew solo across to the Netherlands for a few days to be with them. Just me. The airport was very quiet. No queues, easy security control, pleasant first leg of the journey, it was a breeze! “Please wear your mask, keep 1.5m distance at all times”. All pretty doable. Until we got on the plane, that was. Fully booked. Not a seat empty. So there I sat, jammed in a seat next to a total stranger for two hours and twenty minutes. People in front of me, behind me, across the aisle. At least my neighbour took protection very seriously and was wearing two face masks. And then, 45 minutes later, the stewardess came round with refreshments and all masks were hungrily removed at once. Hmmm, coffee! Luckily the air on an aircraft gets refreshed every six minutes. They even say it is much cleaner than the air in restaurants, bars, stores, or your best friend’s living room. OK. We can breathe.

silly covid rules
Do I look anxious? Or mad?

Nose against the football fence

Football matches are without audiences this year, stadiums are weirdly empty. This is no different for the local village team playing their Saturday game. Seats are taped off, nobody is allowed to watch inside the club’s playing field. However, you can’t keep the Spanish away from a good match, and so they found the perfect solution; they can watch it all through the fence, can’t they! So there they stand, whole (masked) families, shoulder to shoulder, snacks in hand, looking through the tall chicken wire fence of the football field, shouting at the players. At least the sports centre can claim they are following the rules.

Closure of play grounds

I was hoping that by now there would be enough evidence across the world to show that children under 12 hardly pose a risk of infection at all. Whenever there is a class quarantined, it’s nearly always because a teacher has covid. None of the pupils catch it in class. Because of wearing a face mask? Nah. I doubt it. You can’t tell me that a 6-year-old is protected from the virus by a wet, dirty piece of cotton strapped in front of his mouth, that he also touches regularly throughout the day while cuddling all his classmates. I am waiting eagerly for the news that my kids can go to school without a face mask on for eight hours a day. Anyway, different topic.

The play grounds in Valencia city have been closed for two months now. It’s the saddest sight ever, those tied up swings and red and white tape around a climbing frame. However, most neighbouring towns kept them open. Why? No idea. The play areas in our municipality are open, but the ones in the town that borders it, are not. Plenty of families in our school come from the neighbouring town. Are you seeing the logic? Because I don’t.

silly covid rules

Follow the arrows in an empty museum

Why museums are closed in many countries, is beyond me. Unless you are wanting to visit Rembrandt’s finest in Amsterdam’s Rijksmuseum, you are likely to wander around large airy rooms by yourself or a handful of others, with plenty of space to ‘social distance’. Here in Valencia, the galleries are open right now, and I treated my creative eldest son to an ‘art date’ with mummy this weekend. We went to the modern art museum and entered gallery number 1 where we were greeted by a guard, explaining the lay of the land. “Please follow the arrows and stay in your half of the room, and on the way back you will see the other half.” Alright. The gallery consisted of three large spaces. There were literally five people in it. But hey, rules, right.

I know these constitutions and organisations all try to do their bit, but I have raised many an eyebrow the past eight months. I wish we were all being drilled about the importance of taking vitamin D, about staying mentally sane and physically healthy, so we have strong immune systems and can fight off all viruses. The emphasis is so much on following arrows and disinfecting streets, rather than what you can do yourself to prevent disease in the first place. I am not anti-mask just now (even though it’s uncomfortable) nor anti-vax for vulnerable people, once it becomes available. But, blimey.

The world has gone mad this year, and people are becoming suspicious of one another, even reporting each other for not following rules, to the extend of ‘online shaming them’ in local Facebook groups. People are scared of germs, and petrified of visiting their relatives, even in the open air, in case they “kill granny”. Meanwhile, granny is deteriorating alone in her nursing home, longing to see a loved one after another endless, quiet day at the tail end of her life. I sincerely hope we will soon see the end of this madness and start looking after ourselves and each other again, in a normal, healthy way. By all means, keep washing your hands and stop snogging strangers you just met on Tinder, but just calm down and keep the perspective. This too shall pass. Stay sane.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s